The 2nd Annual TKC Turkey Awards

It's that time of year again folks and I'd like to acknowledge the biggest turkeys in this town and give you a few brief details about why they deserve this honor. Here we go:

Turkey Trivia: A few thousand rushing yards is enough for everyone to forget Larry Johnson beats white women.


I guess Cosmo Kramer might have a few things to say about the fact that just a few short months before LJ took over rushing duties for Priest Holmes (remember him?) the male model who no occupies the number one running back spot for the Chiefs was best known for smacking around just about any broad silly enough to date him. I don't know what that kind of punishment that practice would have merited 50 years ago but today in KC, the whole town simply overlooks what an indefensible A-hole the guy is because of some decent rushing stats. And then people have the nerve to get upset about OJ's snuff interview that I'm hoping will debut on the Internet sometime soon.

The man who won't be Mayor is a Turkey

Most of you didn't know John Fairfield before he decided to run for Mayor. In that short time he has not only become loosely associated with a guy who was arrested for child porn but he also was caught soliciting donations mere hours after a influential vote. And to think that some broads say that I make a horrible first impression when I ask: "So, do you have herpes?" as an ice breaker.

I've run out of Jabba jokes in much the same way that Kathryn Shields will run out of turkey at around 10 a.m. on Thanksgiving morning

There's not much I can write about the queen of pork, bad ideas and Chiefs sponsorship in KC that hasn't already been written. However, if you needed a reason WHY women shouldn't hold elected office (other than my word) then the career of this lady is a perfect example. One bad set of allocations after the next, somebody should create a mural devoted to her incompetence as an elected official . . . Wait.

This Turkey finally got KC to pay for his train

I was going to include everyone who voted for this light rail thing in this category but I think the stupidity of this initiative rests solely with a turkey known as Clay Chastain. A quick review: The guy doesn't even live here, there are more important priorities than light rail (namely the roads and the sewers) and the plan is one of most silly things put on paper this side of your parents marriage certificate. Still, I can't really take this thing too seriously if only because it's never gonna happen AND the thought that a bunch of hippie, liberal, young white voters are "outsiders" in the current political system is laughable. Turkeys love to waste time.

Would you like some ACORN with your Turkey? Only if you're nuts.

Because I live in what might be considered a shitty neighborhood, earlier this year one of the ACORN broads knocked on my door like I owed her money. Right then, I knew these broads were a bunch of turkeys. While I'm all for empowering minorities by registering them to vote, the tactics of these ladies have only served to further isolate minorities from the voting process with little or no noticeable increase in voter registration in the communities they worked . . . Now that is kind of nuts.

Thanksgiving is just another day for a turkey on a losing streak

Again, I feel strange about the award for this turkey given the fact that this recipient has done more to advance the cause of undocumented workers than I could ever dream. In one town after the next Kris Kobach files a nasty complaint and invariably loses so that the constitutional protections for so-called illegal aliens are EVEN STRONGER than when he began his crusade. While the mean spirited legal quest to get rid of people like my Grandma gives me the creeps, I have to admit that following the guy's failures have provided a decent amount of entertainment and hope that there are people out there even more incompetent than our national Latino leadership. Also, I find it strange that they guy gets such a vehement defense from UMKC when he obviously could only be proficient at teaching young lawyers how to lose.

Free range Turkeys prefer condos and lofts

People who reside in lofts and condos in Kansas City just might be the biggest turkeys in town NEXT TO developers of these overpriced and largely empty luxury residences. They say that when the stock market crashed prior to the Great Depression in the previous century many speculators hurled themselves off of tall buildings. Luckily, current speculators banking that the real estate bubble will never burst don't need to worry about such a fate given that TIF money takes care of most of their risk.

Good Lord This Woman is a Turkey

Saundra McFadden-Weaver survived a bitter recall attempt last year only to be done in by herself. You would think that a member of the City Council would know better than to screw around with phony mortgages and the like but turkeys aren't very good with numbers. Still, this woman gets this award because the phrase "Kansas City Ethics Commission" should make just about everyone laugh.

Wild Turkeys running Liquor Control Board

Over the past year the local Liquor Control Board has done it's best to stifle any activity in this town after 5 p.m. for some strange reason. The Crossroads and the Mutual Musicians Foundation's jams are now dry enough for people to realize that bad art and Jazz aren't really worth watching . . . Thanks a lot turkeys.

Stay tuned Turkey

Finally, KCTV5 News gets this last turkey award if only because they have consistently proven that pervs and hyperactive weather coverage can attract a huge audience.

And that's it you turkey . . .

I hope all of the recipients of the awards were honored. Truly, things would not be the same in this town (they would be better) without these turkeys. However, I am thankful that all of these locals have provided laughs if nothing else (nothing else) to this community.

Thank you all and enjoy your Turkey Day tomorrow.