An open letter to an ex-girlfriend on the occasion of KU's National Championship

You win.

I didn't mind that you dropped me like a bad habit on the telephone after a years long relationship. I've always known that Kansas City is where people get left behind.

The fact that your family always hated me was sorta funny. They sneered at me over Sunday spaghetti and I probably didn't help the situation by asking for a tortilla - But that's the only way I know how to eat noodles.

You're now living in one of the nicest JoCo suburbs married to an Ivy League grad Chinese dude who makes more money than most of my family combined.

You went to KU and during your time there I always hoped this day would never come given that it was likely that you'd act like a skank on Mass. St. in much the same way that you slept with most (all) of your guy friends and your first boss behind my back.

But the day is here . . . All of Kansas City seems to be celebrating a KU National Championship as if they were one of the Black guys who made it happen.



It's hard not to think about you even though I've done really good lately by refraining from continually Googling your name and pretending like I deleted all of those nude photos.

Still, the local news that I follow so intently seems to be doing nothing but broadcasting a bunch of average looking college-aged broads that remind me of you - It's hard not to get sentimental and make the mistake of contacting you.

But all I have to do is put things in perspective.

You're rich as hell.

You don't seem to aging as rapidly as me.

Like all of the worst people I know, you work in the field of law and that probably means you've become a bit of a scumbag in the years that we've been out of contact.

You have fake boobs so even if you get divorced, you're still probably out of my league and I'll never get a chance to take those things for a spin. Cruel fate.

All things considered, this recent KU Victory is one of many reasons your life is MUCH BETTER without me . . . I realize this and it doesn't bum me out as much as you'd think, I just thought it would be interesting (to me) to collect my thoughts on the subject.

Still, there is a bit of disappointment (mostly that I didn't take more nude photos).

In any event, I begrudgingly congratulate you on the victory of your alma mater.

It seems as if the good fortune in your life hasn't ended with your sorority days, smart marriage choice and wise career path. Obviously, the rich get richer and what I know now is that the only downside to dating white women is that they stay winning long after you go your separate ways - Also, there's very little difference between bittersweet and just plain old bitter.

If anybody needs me, I'll be in my mom's basement.