Your local band will not make it

For the sake of argument, let's say this post is not about you. Let's say that you are the exception to the rule and your music is relevant, original and soon to be discovered so that many STD laden, druggie, jail bait groupies will line up at your door in hopes of one day filing a paternity suit against you. For the moment, we're talking about somebody else.

Additionally, let's also note that there is, in fact, a thriving local music scene that is not only well documented but also supported by venues with national recognition. I'm not contending that there aren't some pretty great bands in town because there are . . . just not you. But remember, as long as you're a local performer willing to sell out to anybody you ever met . . . there will always be a place for you in the music industry.

Now that we've got that out of the way, the rest is simple: You suck.

Your band sucks not only because your lyrics are full of lines stolen from B-movies but also because those movies all star Steven Segal. Your band sucks because you're all overweight but somehow still have less talent then The Fat Boys, who were actually quite good. Can you beatbox? Your band sucks because it's simply a vehicle for you to pick up naive chicks in order to have a threeway with you and your wife . . . and that's just putting the cart before the horse.

Finally, your band sucks because you are a causal drug user and like all casual drug users you think you're deep when in reality you just mumble and puke a lot. Never fear, you're not a member of the only band that sucks in Kansas City. Regrettably, there are a lot of shitty bands in this town, so you'll have company. And just so you don't think I'm too mean (I am) I'm not telling you to stop doing what you love. But, just as there are now several columnists out there raining on the parade of bloggers with overly pessimistic articles that are light on facts and long on speculation, I just thought I would take a little time out of my day to put you in your place or at least let you know that if your band was a woman I wouldn't fuck her with Kay Barnes' dick.

Now that I've written this, I feel better and I feel like I've done a service to the local musicians whose mediocrity is encouraged by drunk people and guilty relatives across the city. Also, it's not like I haven't heard the same thing regarding all of my endeavors. You can use this thoughtful analysis and struggle to make yourself better or you can (wisely) give up. The choice is yours, either way I probably don't want to listen to your answer.