Assume the position

Johnson County is looking for a PR person. Obviously, the job calls for lying, other forms of duplicity and putting on a fake smile . . . so it's best suited for a woman. Here are some more possible job requirements:

- Must get people to forget that the golden ghetto is a vampire like community that feeds of the taxes and tax funded attractions of KCMO.

- No fatties.

- Must emphasize the "free state" roots of Kansas in order to compensate for the hatred of science, literature and minorities by the current populace.

- Must be able to suck a golf ball through a garden hose, the chrome off a trailer hitch or some facsimile thereof.

- Must be flexible in approaching . . . um, just plain flexible is just fine.

- The main job requirement is to portray JoCo as anything but a microcosm of the emptiness of American culture. You know, the society that was built on slave labor and genocide and is now maintained by cheap labor and what sometimes comes dangerously close to imperialism. I mean, c'mon you don't think living this nice while standing on the throats of not only other countries but also neighboring communities isn't gonna engender some hard feelings? Only a dumb whore JoCo housewife is naive enough to ask why they hate us.

Yeah, that about covers the requirements and qualifications. Study up, my little PR vixens and you could have a shot at the job. Oh, and don't forget to bring lube and kneepads if you're a woman who is serious about advancing your career.