Picking on The Pitch

Maybe it’s because Tony O. packed up and moved to Florida like some old retired man but there seems to be something missing at The Pitch. Call it a lack of an edge or an overdose in estrogen but Editor CJ Janovy seems to have everybody at that place wearing pink panties at least in a metaphorical sense. Probably literally too.

I’ll start my observations with this item in their intro to their 25th Best of the City anniversary edition.

Look back on the summer of 1980 however you want; you won't get any reminiscing here. You want to know what we were about ten, 15, 20 years ago, you're welcome to come dig through the dusty basement here at 17th and Main. You expect props thrown out to all the people who ever worked here over the years, the ones who made us who we are today? Consider a glass raised. If you've been reading the Pitch for any length of time, you know what we're about.

He-he. This makes me laugh because, unlike most of The Pitch writers, I’ve lived in Kansas City my entire life and I know that during the 90’s The Pitch was bought (muscled) out by New Times media. I can’t over emphasize this enough: The Pitch is a corporate entity probably run by the tall Israelis in order to turn a dime on the “counter culture” of local urban areas. In other towns this doesn’t mean much, because people basically throw the New Times rags away but in KC we (stupidly) tend to give a little more credence to stuff that’s printed on paper. Nearly everybody in this town has flirted with “writing” so we’re all suckers for a good story.

Anyway, what is important to understand about The Pitch is that it’s a make believe alternative rag. Like what Blink 187 is to punk rock or what Bryant Gumbel is to Black people.

Now what troubles me is not that The Pitch is part of the conspiracy of total media domination by the world Jewry. That’s cool. What’s troubling is that they’ve been skimping on the snarkyness that I’ve come to expect from any publication that labels itself as “alternative.”

Take this accolade to TV tramp Melana Scantlin:

In that small window of time between achieving diva status on NBC's Average Joe and signing to be the woman now advertising numerous side dishes at Wendy's, Gladstone native Melana Scantlin found a product that's truly worth plugging when she became the on-air spokeswoman for Park University. Turns out Miss Missouri 2002 is a Park alum who graduated with honors with a bachelor's degree in communication theory and human relations. The commercial she made for her alma mater has a straightforward I-did-it-and-you-can-too theme, but watching the former Chiefs cheerleader pump up a local institution of higher learning is downright endearing, considering she's destined for larger media markets.

No, no, no. That’s not how it’s done. Scantlin is a casting couch success story but she’s at about 14:45 and ticking for her fifteen minutes of fame. In ten years, she’ll be lucky to be getting the leftovers of local back pain commercials like KC’s other aged beauty Cynthia Smith. A pretty face and a tight ass are a nice commodity but Hollywood is jam-packed with even cuter tramps that are probably quicker to give anal. That’ right. There’s something about Scantlin that tells me she doesn’t give up the poop shoot without a fight (or a lot of liquor) and that’s pretty much a prerequisite for any future starlet.

Looking through the rest of the “Best of Section” I noticed similar niceties. It wasn’t until I made my way to the escort ads that I finally felt at home. Basically, the thing read like a giant product placement, infomercial, circle jerk. I guess you’ve got to keep the guys paying the bills happy and Janovy and company seem to be doing a good job grabbing ankles for their owners. Just like the music industry, “alternative” has come to mean nothing more than another kind of brand of the same schlock broadcast to Top 40 audiences. If you want a real glimpse of what’s happening in KC, what people think in this town, you’d do well to make local blogs part of your daily reading.