Tony's Charm School

I've read a lot of fucking stupid stories in The Star throughout the course of my life but this recent article attempting to explain the upswing in KC violence is probably the most clueless piece I've had to endure.

Apparently, many of the murders in this town can be attributed to bad manners and the pursuit of street cred.

It does not appear that gangs or drug dealing played major roles, Jackson County Prosecutor Mike Sanders said. Yet Sanders said he thinks that drugs, alcohol or both were involved, with killers either using them or belonging to the culture that glorifies them.

"In some respects we're seeing a serious breakdown in the moral fabric of our society," he said.

Your analysis has grown tiresome, now is the time on Sprokets when we dance!



Anyway, this article seems to support the ridiculous notion that the increase in crime is connected to growing lack of civility in our culture.

Bernard Taylor, the superintendent of Kansas City schools, recently said he had noticed a decline of civility among students. The district already teaches anger control and conflict resolution at some schools and plans to increase efforts to reach into students' homes and habits, officials said.

Taylor said he thinks schools must get more involved in troubled homes, an idea that Sanders endorsed. It has been embraced elsewhere, too. Years ago, then-Mayor Rudolph Giuliani also called on New York City schools to teach civility to help cut crime.

No, it's not prevalence of guns, a shitty public school system, lack of entry level jobs that pay decent wages or the demise of the two parent American family. It's the lack of politeness that's killing people on the streets in KC.

I'm literally at a loss of words trying to express how fucking stupid I find the premise of this article. See, I'm not a polite man. I'm a horrible slob, my girlfriend is afraid to use my bathroom, I have virtually no friends because my favorite word is "motherfucker" and if you look at my shirt you can usually tell what I had for dinner . . . two days ago. But still, I've had few if any run-ins with the police and I've never been arrested.

The idea that civility has anything to do with crime put forth by The Star and countless community dimwits clearly demonstrates that our local leaders and media outlets are completely full of shit.

So what is responsible for the upswing in murders in KC?

I have no idea and I don't fucking care. It's not important.

What is important is that local officials come up with a plan to stop it that doesn't involve "touchy, feely" self-help for cracked out crooks carrying semi-automatics. Have you hugged your neighborhood criminal today? Balls.

I could suggest a few items to improve things but it doesn't matter because it's clear that local leaders are too far off in fantasy land to care. The KCPD cops can taser old ladies, children and hand cuffed people all they want but it probably won't make a difference.

Still, I always like to help. So today I'd like to announce the opening of Tony's School of Social Graces . . . where KC can send misbehaving miscreants in order to learn some manners. Here's our introductory textbook for those students that have learned to read in spite of the KC school district:



At my school of charm we'll teach the essentials like:

• Lawnmowers: Not worth killing over.
• Appropriate greetings other than "What the fuck are you looking at?" and "You talking to me. Who the fuck are you talking to? I don't see anybody else standing here so you must be talking to me."
• Avoiding date rape 101: Just tell her you're rich and she'll do all the work.
• Close your eyes and count to ten: By that time the other guy probably shot first.
• Career opportunities: Did you know that CEO's can steal much more than a drug dealer could ever earn?
• Delaying instant gratification: Your street rival will probably be dead in a few months anyway so there's no need for you to kill him.
• An essential lesson on friendship: Your "homies" would never kill for you and will probably fuck your girlfriend while you're in jail.
• Commuting: Nobody but your mother will visit you in jail.